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Fuck That!

May 21, 2009
tags: ,

To fuck, to get fucked, fucked up, fucked and fuck it. It’s among the most common slang we use. I’ve been known to use fuck as more than one part of speech in the same sentence. And it’s ubiquitous. We all know that if you go into a meeting and you get fucked, you’re not as happy coming out as you were going in, and if you say, “fuck him!” you mean him no good.

And that’s a fucking problem. We treat fucking as a problem, and I have no problem with fucking. I like fucking. I like getting fucked. If I actually went into a meeting and got fucked, I’d probably be a lot happier coming out than I was going in, and if I want to “fuck her” I mean her no harm and I mean a whole lot of pleasure for both of us.

Every time we use fuck the way we so often use fuck, we insult fucking. Fucking, in all its glorious incarnations, deserves better from us. Not that everyone wants to or must fuck or get fucked. Some people never want to fuck because they never want partnered sex, and some people can have a life full or orgasms with all kinds of folks and never once fuck or get fucked — and they should fucking go for it! And the social conditions that pressure or force or require anyone to fuck if or when or how or with someone they don’t want to are exactly the fucking problem: the very core of the fucking problem. But I love to fuck, and I love to get fucked, with whom and how and when I and they want, and I’m not alone.

When we use fuck like it’s a bad thing we’re buying a connotation and a construction. It connotes unfairness and unpleasantness and aggression. We almost always mean that to do it is to defile the person or thing fucked; to harm it, devalue it; that the fucker is a ruiner and what is fucked is ruined. That the fucker is an agent doing an active thing, doing the fucking, subjecting the fucked thing to the fucking, and not itself fucked by the fucking. That the fuckee is getting fucked, is passive, is the object not just of the sentence but the act, is subjected to the fucking by the subject and is not itself (in the process of getting fucked) fucking the fucker. Like MacKinnon wrote in Toward a Feminist Theory of the State, “man fucks woman: subject verb object.”

I need to decline to adopt that construction. I must. The only person I’m fucking lately is my spouse, my partner, my copilot in scary parenting adventures and my support no matter how crazy things get. I fuck her because she likes for me to fuck her, and I like to fuck her. I don’t want to harm or devalue her by fucking her and I damned sure don’t want her ruined.

And I need to decline to adopt that construction because she fucks me, too. Am I harmed or ruined? (Consider this an invitation to make up your own size-queen joke in comments. No, really. But seriously, the harmed-devalued-ruined construction is homophobic, too. It models the enveloping partner as devalued, and supports thinking of orientation as asymmetrical as between tops and bottoms, and all that stuff. There’s also room for a digression here about MacKinnon’s dictum and what it means outside the patriarchal, heterosexist context it describes — what does it mean when woman fucks man, and when we are willing to understand that verb to mean that specifically the fuckee is the enveloping partner instead of imposing the more common meaning in spite of the syntax? Or there’s room for a digression into BDSM humor about being ruined.)

For fucking serious, though, for many of us, we fuck up fucking by using the word in a way we don’t support. I fuck, you fuck, we fuck, and fucking has done a lot for us, and fucking deserves our support. Fucking deserves to be free of the connotations of unfairness, negativity and aggression; free from the construction of harm, devaluation and ruin. Fucking deserves to stand for what it stands for. And I stand for fucking. Free fucking!

P.S. Don’t get me started on “sucks” …

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. May 22, 2009 12:54 pm

    Ya know, I always heard that when the sex is truly consensual, that the better word would be “envelopment” rather than “penetration.” A truly desirous vagina actively consumes a man’s penis, it doesn’t simply “let” the penis penetrate it. And the vagina does have muscle, after all.

  2. sammylif permalink
    May 22, 2009 2:55 pm

    This is excellent.

  3. Rachel permalink
    May 22, 2009 6:02 pm

    My only objection to this would be that, in regards to sex, I don’t think the word fuck means to just “have sex” or even, to “have vigorous sex.” My impression of the word fuck is that it has been for empty sex. Sex with a casual partner (one time) or sex to meet a need (hormones). But that speaks more to the pleasure factor than anything–to fuck means that the two people aren’t necessarily engaged to satisfy ONE ANOTHER. They might just be there for themselves. I get that this is a short step away from the concept of rape, but having self-indulgent sex is something separate. And I do think we need a word for it. Self-indulgent sex needs to differ, because you can do this consensually. Additionally, I thought it could be used to refer to sex without attachment–no relationship, no feelings etc… Maybe that’s just my own little definition, and the world regards it differently, but I always have used it that way, and it has served me quite well like that.

    • William permalink
      June 3, 2011 1:31 pm

      I think your use can fit inside of Thomas’ use. The idea is that fucking isn’t bad, it’s something that people mean to do together, not something that is used by one to remind another of their role in a relationship or to speak judgment on that role.

  4. Chelsea permalink
    July 29, 2009 3:13 pm

    I absolutely love this post, and I was wondering if I could get your permission to perform a slightly edited version at Radical Vulvas Ottawa 2009.

    If that sounds like something you’d be open to, please let me know… and tell me how you would like me to credit you!

  5. BethDiane permalink
    August 16, 2009 6:47 am

    Thank heavens that the world has changed!

    Until well into the 20th century, one didn’t use “fuck” for all those other concepts not only because it wasn’t considered polite, but also because that would have too crudely literal in describing the actual state of things as they were–a woman who had any sort of sexual contact outside the prescribed rules and got caught was well and truly “fucked” in the sense that it’s now used metaphorically. Think of movies such as “Dangerous Liaisons,” for example. . .

  6. Aaron permalink
    May 27, 2010 12:17 pm


  7. May 27, 2010 12:24 pm

    So we can still say “fuck yes!” right?

    • May 27, 2010 12:45 pm

      Fuck yes. I love fucking. I just don’t want fucking to be an a pedestal as some special kind of sex. Those of us who like fucking should like fucking for fucking’s sake; putting it on a pedestal only creates problems.


  1. A Fucking Manifesto – ErosBlog: The Sex Blog

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