Clarisse’s Communication Stories
This is just awesome. If you do BDSM, you should read this. If you’ve ever thought about doing BDSM, you should read this. If you have no interest in doing BDSM, but you want to understand how folks who do BDSM communicate, you should read this.
It’s about sexual communication and boundary-setting, but it’s not instructional; it’s narrative — stories from Clarisse’s own life. And it’s more than one story, because there’s more than one way this can go, which is the most important take-away from the post.
Here’s a sample:
We sat together on the public transit and quietly discussed the upcoming scene: he asked me many, many questions about what I was okay with and not okay with. Questions like: “What do you have experience with?” “Could you go into that more?” “What do you like?” “What makes that fun for you?” “Is there anything you really don’t want me to do?” He asked a lot of the questions twice, too, which I think is a really great strategy especially with new partners. People don’t always have their heads together enough during these conversations to answer an S&M question properly the first time, especially if it’s a broad and open-ended question like “What are the things you really don’t want to do?”
I made it clear that I just wanted a BDSM encounter, that I wasn’t up for oral sex or vaginal sex or anything like that. He’d never had a BDSM encounter that didn’t involve orgasm, so it was a new concept for him, but he was cool with trying it.
After our long discussion of boundaries and limits, we made it to his apartment and settled in.
Telling personal stories can accomplish things that can’t really be done as effectively any other way, can personalize an otherwise abstract point. But it’s also the hardest way to blog, in my experience. I’ve done it, but when I’m telling personal stories, I take a deep breath before I hit Publish, and it takes an effort of will to read the comments. That’s why I do it rarely. Clarisse does it routinely. Thank you, Clarisse.