Sleep and Negotiating Consent
In the prior post I discussed Wolf’s incoherent defense of Assange, and I wanted to add something. She first tried to deny that one woman alleges that Assange stuck his penis in her while she was sleeping. Then she conceded that, and bizarrely argued that it wasn’t rape. She says she views the allegations as a proper negotiation.
The BDSM community deals with negotiating consent to do all kinds of things. Negotiation is something where we’re pioneers. So here’s one experienced kinkster’s view on negotiating consent with a sleeping person. Since we’re talking about Wolf, who is either experiencing or feigning difficulties in basic reasoning and reading comprehension around this discourse, I’ll go ahead and add that the negotiation itself has to happen with all participants awake, and must take place before the unconscious fucking, not after.
For example, for regular partners who often sleep in the same bed, it might go something like this:
“Honey, would it be hot for you if I started fucking you while you were sleeping?”
“That could be hot!”
“Do you want to try that?”
“Okay. I’d like to try that sometime soon, maybe in the next few days. Do you want me to stop if you say stop?”
“No, I’ll be half asleep, who knows what I’ll say. If I want you to stop, I’ll use my safeword.”
(If you can’t tell the sexes or genders or sexual orientations of the people having that conversation, then you’re reading it correctly.)
As a matter of best practices, I’ll add that in my experience, a lot of these conversations work better in two parts: raise the idea while making out, or better yet giving a handjob, fucking, etc., and then confirm that everyone is serious about doing it when they’re not right about to come. While I probably shouldn’t agree to do something I don’t really want to do just because I’m really turned on, I’m human and I know that it can affect my judgment.
I’ll tell you what damned sure is not consent. “She said she didn’t want to do that but I started while she was sleeping so she couldn’t tell me not to” is damned sure not consent.