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Sharing Stories: Leaving Kinky Communities

January 13, 2014

I’ll cut to the chase:  a friend and activist is collecting stories and aggregating information about people who have left BDSM or kink communities and their reasons.  I think this is important, and I want to encourage people to participate.  There is a survey form here.  There is a FAQ post about it here, and a follow-up here.  The blogger, Motley Mayhem, has put the project ahead of the personality and I’ll respect that, except to say that I know and believe in Motley from consent culture work on Fetlife and I am really glad Motley is doing this.

The project has grown organically from a call to Motley’s friends to share stories, into a much bigger effort to capture the frequency and commonalities of these narratives.  I don’t have access to any raw data, but I can tell you from the stories I’ve seen and heard over the years that I expect the real news to be the frequency and similarity of certain patterns.  Regular readers will know what I think; what’s more important is to have thousands of accounts to back up the ways in which kinky communities drive off exactly the people who seek them out; the ways they act as power centers for the established members of the community and not as resources to guide or advocate for all the people who are or should be their constituents.

In the last two or three years, consent activism has exploded within kinky communities.  A lot of people can share credit for a revolution in progress, because there is a revolution in progress, or, as I said in my biggest series of posts on this topic, there’s a war on.  This survey is the forging of a powerful weapon in that war, a weapon made of truth.  Please help.  If you have a story to tell, please tell what you can, and if you don’t, please signal boost this so it finds the people who do.

Can It Be Five Years Already?

November 21, 2013
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Time flies when there’s too much to do.  This blog launched when the book, Yes Means Yes: Visions Of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, hit the shelves in November 2008.  The book went on to critical raves and a solid position in college syllabi, while its editors, Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti, went on to other things — Jessica left her baby, Feministing, and ended up with a regular gig at The Nation, while Jaclyn wrote the follow-up workbook What You Really Really Want (I wrote the online supplement, and while I’m clearly biased, I think it’s a terrific book and it almost literally offers some useful tools for everyone old enough to read it).  She writes for various outlets, does media appearances, runs WAM! and generally keeps a schedule that can make you tired just looking at it.

This was originally a group blog, and in the first year a majority of the contributors that said they would write for the blog submitted at least one post, but many only one or two.  Some of those posts were terrific; Stacy May Fowles’s and Lee Jacobs-Riggs’s work particularly resonated with me.  Before long, only a handful of us were writing anything for the blog, and then it was just me and Jaclyn, and a lot more me than Jaclyn, and for a long time now this has effectively been a solo blog.  I never intended it that way, but that’s what happened.

When I started, I didn’t realize I had so much to say. 

After three hundred posts of mine, and dozens of other folks’ from the early years, there is a heck of a back catalog.  This is an entirely partial and biased list.

Rape and Rape Culture:

This Is What Rape Culture Looks Like

Because She’s “Up For It.”

easy

Meet The Predators

Predator Redux

Cockblocking Rapists Is A Moral Obligation; or, How To Stop Rape Right Now

Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer

Steubenville: Humiliation Was The Point Of The Exercise

Shroedinger’s Rapist And The Imagined Right To Intrude

The Boiling Frog Principle Of Boundary Violation

Little Head

Sexuality:

My Sluthood, Myself

The (Nonexistent) Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Consequences of Enthusiastic Consent

Gender Differences and Casual Sex: The New Research

BDSM and Kink Community Issues:

There’s A War On (final part, with links to each part)

Domism: Role Essentialism and Sexism Intersectionality in the BDSM Scene

The Annotated Safeword

Parenting:

Wipe Your Shame-Cave, Honey

If She’s Not Having Fun You Have To Stop

What To Tell The Next Generation

Hey Teenage Boys! Worried About Steubenville? Don’t Be.

Stuff I loved that nobody read:

Against Nature

When Men Were Men, And Burned To Death

Sometimes I think that some time I’ll be done, and then I remember what Jaclyn taught me:  it is not yours to complete the work, neither is it yours to desist from it.  So maybe I’ll still be here in another five.  Thing will be better then.  Not completely, but some.

TDOR

November 20, 2013
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I never know what to say.  I have no analysis to bring to Trans Day of Remembrance.  What strikes me every year is that trans folks need a day on the calendar to remember their dead. 

238 this year, according to the Trans Murder Monitoring report.

Predator Theory and George Zimmerman

November 19, 2013
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In the wake of George Zimmerman’s arrest for aggravated assault, I wanted to revisit an aspect of Predator Theory that often goes overlooked: that the undetected rapists that Lisak’s research identified are non-specialist offenders.

Back in Meet The Predators, the most viewed post in this blog’s now five-year history, I wrote:

Lisak & Miller also answered their other question: are rapists responsible for more violence generally? Yes. The surveys covered other violent acts, such as slapping or choking an intimate partner, physically or sexually abusing a child, and sexual assaults other than attempted or completed rapes. In the realm of being partner- and child-beating monsters, the repeat rapists really stood out. These 76 men, just 4% of the sample, were responsible for 28% of the reported violence. The whole sample of almost 1900 men reported just under 4000 violent acts, but this 4% of recidivist rapists results in over 1000 of those violent acts.

If we could eliminate the men who rape again and again and again, a quarter of the violence against women and children would disappear. That’s the public policy implication.

I don’t know if there is a more specific look at this elsewhere, but Lisak found a correlation between rape of adults and sexual abuse of children, and between rape of adults and intimate partner violence.  On the whole, one would anticipate that this would mean that there is a correlation between sexual abuse of children and intimate partner violence.  That struck me because of what we’re learned over time about George Zimmerman, who shot and killed Trayvon Martin but was acquitted:

He is under arrest for pointing a shotgun in his girlfriend’s face.

His girlfriend now alleges that he choked her in the past, and that he previously threatened to kill himself if she left him (a common abuser tactic of emotional manipulation).

This is the girlfriend he got together with after his wife filed for divorce.  He allegedly punched his ex-wife’s father, threatened them with a handgun, and shattered her iPad to prevent video of his violent acts from being used against him.

He precipitated the confrontation with Martin, an unarmed teen who went to the store for snacks.  It is undisputed that he shot and killed Martin.  (Even some jurors have admitted that this acquittal was a travesty.)

So we might expect there to be a higher likelihood that he also sexually assaulted a child.

That’s exactly what one cousin alleges.  The audio was released last summer, and you can hear her in her own words here, describing a pattern of abuse that lasted ten years and started when she was just six: “he would reach under the blanket and try to do things, and I would try to push him off, but he was bigger and stronger and older, and it was in front of everybody, and I don’t know how I didn’t say anything, but I just didn’t know any better …” 

Folks make excuses for these people, until they don’t.  After Trayvon Martin, there was too much attention on Zimmerman to take advantage of the cover he got earlier in life.  But how many other people are out there, molesting relatives, abusing partners, doing damage to the world around them, while people try hard not to see a pattern?

 

Cockblocking Rapists Is A Moral Obligation; or, How To Stop Rape Right Now

October 20, 2013
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Throughout the now nearly five year history of this blog, I’ve written extensively about the dynamics of rape, who the rapists are, how they operate and what has to happen in the culture to make them stop.  Much of this is broad, and involves decades of change.  In the words of an old Jewish saying imparted to me by Jaclyn Friedman, “it is not yours to complete the work; neither is it yours to desist from it.”

But rape the social problem takes decades to solve, and the rapes that happen to us or our friends or the people we love don’t happen over decades, they happen all of a sudden.  When people read things like my responses to Emily Yoffe, they want to know, “I don’t have decades.  What do I do now?”

The activist answer to this question, in the broadest terms, is really easy.  You do what you can, with what you have, where you are.  What does that mean practically?  Here is what I think it means, today, and starting tomorrow.  Because this is coming up on the context of the Yoffe piece, I’m going to primarily address one common area where repeat-offender acquaintance rapists operate, adult and young adult social environments in the US, especially those where alcohol is the social drug of choice.  This leaves out stranger rape, where the dynamics are very different.  It also leaves out a whole slew of other circumstances that repeat rapists use.  For example, in institutional settings, like inpatient facilities and prisons, or in the armed forces, or in the certain sports environments or workplaces, there are very different dynamics and, probably, very different solutions.  I am not going to try to address those, though, because I don’t know enough about them.

What To Do Today: Cockblocking Rapists

The paradigmatic repeat rapist uses a set of tactics that work, and they go like this:  push alcohol, test boundaries, physically isolate the target, and narrow the target’s options.  Look for that, and break it up.  In the rapes of juveniles now being reported in Missouri, what did the older boys do?  The girls were already smashed, but they pushed more alcohol, they put them in separate rooms, isolated from each other and with no friendly faces around.  The person looking to get the drunk drunker, and then alone, is not to be trusted.

Spot The Boundary Testing

Look for the boundary testing.  If a rapist wants to buy someone a drink, and doesn’t take no  for an answer, what he got for his money is that the target can be talked out of “no.”

Not everyone who pushes boundaries is a rapist.  Some people think they can touch without asking, because they have absorbed some terrible ideas, or because they are in social circumstances –like some highly sexualized environments — where they think they can touch whoever and however they want.  That’s boorish, but it’s not the same thing as what the rapist does because the motive is different.  Someone who gropes or smacks like they have permission even when they don’t may think it’s funny, may think it’s cute, may think it’s a good way to get laid.  I have a problem with that, because that behavior makes it tougher for everyone else to see what the rapists are doing. But what the rapists do, they do for a different reason.

What the rapists do is target selection. They are looking for someone whose boundaries they can violate, and who won’t or can’t stand up for themselves.  The best targets, the ones who offer the rapists the best chance of getting away with it, are those who won’t report — or who will never even admit to themselves that what happened was rape.  The way the rapist finds those people is to cross their boundaries again and again, progressively testing and looking for resistance.

That’s the pattern to look for.  If somebody seems to be testing to see if one of your friends can be pushed off of “no,” has a limited ability to stand up for themselves, that’s the red flag.

The most important thing you can do if you see this pattern is tell the target you see it.  Forewarned is forearmed.  In fact, somebody who is being targeted and pushed and tested may think they see the pattern, but may not trust their own instincts.  If they know you see it, too, then they may trust a bad feeling that they are already feeling.

Offer Options

If you think someone is acting like a rapist, sizing up a target — encouraging intoxication, testing boundaries — then one of their best tools they have is to limit the target’s options.  The rapist wants to get the target isolated.  But when “hey, let’s go be alone somewhere” isn’t working, it may be because the target already has a bad feeling.  If the target needs something — a ride home, a place to sleep, that sort of thing — then they may be willing to overlook misgivings if the rapist is the one offering it.  A rapist will always want to be the target’s only ride home, only place to stay, etc.

It’s pretty easy to keep that from happening.  If the drunkest person in the room has been left by their ride, and the person who has been pushing them to drink more is offering to take them home, they may not want to go, but they may not have a better option.  Providing that option may be what gets your friend away from the potential rapist.

Protect The Drunks

Of course, people don’t only get drunk or high because someone pushes them to.  Lots of people get drunk or high because they want to.  Longtime readers will know that I don’t, but it’s part of the culture and it would be unrealistic to ignore it.  Lots of people want to get drunk or high.  And lots of people want to do that and then be sexual with someone.  Now, that’s not how I roll.  I wish alcohol had a less prominent place in our culture, and I wish there were a lot less overlap between sex and substance use.  But that’s a really hard problem to change, and the whole point of this post is to talk about what to do today and tomorrow, not what to change over the next couple of decades.

So maybe you have a friend who wants to get fairly drunk, and then finds someone to have some sexytime with.   That’s fine.  But just like we tell our friends when they’re too drunk to be driving, shouldn’t we tell our friends when they are too drunk to hook up?  Nobody can really take the keys away, but there’s a point past which we’re all pretty clear something shouldn’t happen.  People who can’t walk or form a sentence clearly can’t consent, and if we let people wander off like that with a potential partner, we’re abdicating responsibility to people who have no ability to exercise it.  People can make their own decisions when they are capable of making their own decisions.

What To Do Tomorrow: Make Sure Everyone Knows

The thing is, rapists absolutely need one thing to operate.  They need people to believe they are not rapists.  Stranger rapists do that by trying to hide that they are the person who committed the rape.  Acquaintance rapists do that by picking targets who won’t say anything about what happened, or by using tactics that, if the survivor does speak up, people will decide don’t really count as rape.  If you want to do something about rapists, make sure people know they are rapists.

I’m talking right-now solutions, literally something you can do tomorrow, so I don’t mean that over time we can change the culture so that alcohol-facilitated assaults are understood as rape.  Lots of people are working on that.  What I mean is that you can tell everyone you know that the person that you know raped someone, because the survivor told you and maybe only a few other people, is a rapist.  You may not be able to say how you know, because you may not have the survivor’s permission to talk about it.  But you can quietly tell your friends.

Cliff Pervocracy wrote about this in 2012: someone that, within a tight-knit community, lots of people know or suspect is a rapist, so much so that they kind of work around that person:

Have you ever been in a house that had something just egregiously wrong with it?  Something massively unsafe and uncomfortable and against code, but everyone in the house had been there a long time and was used to it?  “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you, there’s a missing step on the unlit staircase with no railings.  But it’s okay because we all just remember to jump over it.”

Some people are like that missing stair.

And what people do is, without being able to prove it, sort of take for granted that this person can’t be trusted, stick someone on them to monitor them and keep them from being able to commit rape.  Cliff was very critical of this, as effectively if unintentionally covering for the rapist.  And I agree.  What communities need to do with the rapists in their communities is not to find a workaround; they need to actually deal with them, catch them and hold them accountable or throw them out.  But that has to start somewhere.  It starts with sharing information about the rapist.  It starts with the new people knowing what the allegations are, the old people knowing what the allegations are, the leaders knowing what the allegations are, and all the people who would make excuses for the rapist knowing what the allegations are.

Because of the way people work around rapists in social circles now, the communities keep kicking the can down the road.  New people often don’t find out until they’ve been around for a while, and some people know part of the story but not the whole story, and other people have a story about how one survivor isn’t credible but never have to deal with the commonalities between the several survivors’ accounts.

I drew a flowchart for my There’s A War On series, which dealt with consent violations, rape and abuse in kinky communities.  Here’s the flowchart.  What it shows is that if the stories of each individual survivor exist in isolation, the problem never gets dealt with.  The survivors are each on their own, and the fear or the reality of resistant community reactions will tend to silence them.  When those silos get broken down, the community can (and may be forced to) consider all the evidence together, which is really important to getting the fence-sitters and defenders to recognize that the behavior they are looking at is a pattern of abuse.

In the first instance, telling people what has been said, to the extent you can, will lead to the “missing stair” phenomenon, where people are wary of the accused rapist but feel like they can’t take decisive action, and so work around the person like a broken stair tread.  But what happens is that letting the stories grow legs will bring other stories out.  The serial rapists leave a trail of survivors; if the all speak up at once, the rapists can’t hide what they’ve done.

What can people do with unsubstantiated accusations?  Quite a lot, actually.  If you’re watching someone pushing one of your friends to have another round and getting handsy, would it be better to know if another person in your social circle said, “that person raped me”?  Yeah, that would be important to know.  And if two different people said it?  And, given the silence around rape and the low reporting rates, one story is often an important catalyst for another.  Once one story is out there, others tend to come up.  The more data, the easier it is to compare, and evaluate credibility based on multiple data points.  And what then?  Then, accountability.  That can look like a lot of different things.  It can look like prosecution.  It can look like some model of transformative justice, though I won’t try to make a pitch for transformative justice models because I won’t do it as well as its advocates would.*  It might look like ostracization, because any social group, when someone harms its members, ought to be able to say, “you’re not welcome here anymore.”

Some people will say that’s rumormongering.  Yes.  Yes, it is.  If stopping rape isn’t a good enough reason to spread rumors to you, then you and I have nothing further to discuss.

Some people will say that it’s unfair to do that, to simply take the survivor’s word, to say things about people without due process.  Well, due process is for the government, to limit their power to lock people up or take their property.  You don’t owe people due process when you decide whether to be friends with them.  You don’t have to have a hearing and invite them to bring a lawyer to decide whether to invite them to a party.  And let’s be honest, most of us repeat things that one person we know did to another person we know based on nothing more than that one participant told us and we believe them.  We do it all the time, it’s part of social interaction.

So if you want to do something, take the label, plant it on the missing stair in your social circle, and make it stick.

It Can’t All Be On The Survivors

I’ve seen the following two things happen:

(1) someone gets sexually assaulted, whether raped or violated in another way, and people say to the survivor, “you have to do something!  If you don’t do something, who will protect the next victim?”

(2) someone gets sexually assaulted, whether raped or violated in another way, and the survivor yells and shouts for people to deal with it, and the people who are friendly with both the survivor and the violator shrug their shoulders and try to stay “neutral.”

What these two things have in common is that in each case, the people around the situation place all the responsibility on the person who most needs help and can least be expected to go it alone.

That’s lazy, and that’s selfish, and it’s really easy.  It’s really easy because it requires nothing of the bystanders.  The people who are friends with both people may not want to accept that their friend, someone they are close to and think highly of, could do such an awful thing, because it calls into question their ability to judge people.

Or, they may just be afraid to confront people.  Confronting people is emotionally taxing, and it often irreparably ends the friendship.  In fact, about something as serious as rape, it invariably irreparably alters the friendship.  If you believe that your friend raped your other friend, and you say, “hey, you raped my friend,” then the old friendship is gone forever as soon as the words leave your mouth.  What remains is either enmity, or a relationship of holding someone accountable, just as tough and taxing as staying friends with a substance abuser who is trying to get clean and sober.  That’s not easy.  That’s a lot of work, and most people are not up for it.

The option most people choose, because it gets them out of that, is to choose to not make up their minds about what happened.  Now, you might think that people can do that with one accusation.  But believe me, people, that I could name several people who still “don’t know what happened” about a person — not the same person, but different ones — who has been accused not once, not twice, but at least three times of similar violations by three different people.

Just think about that.  “Hey, you’re still friends with Boris.  But X said Boris raped her.”  “Well yeah, but I don’t know what to believe.”  “Well, but you know what Y said, and Y’s account was a lot like X’s.”  “Yeah, but I don’t know what to believe.”  “But Z said Boris violated consent, too, and that’s three people …” “Well, I’ve been friends with Boris a long time, so I kind of don’t know what to think …”  (Trust me when I tell you, folks, I’m not making that up.)

What can you do tomorrow?  Don’t let your communities do that shit.  Hold your friends to a higher standard.

Now you may be saying to yourself that this isn’t relevant to you, that you never are in social circumstances where you see someone pushing people’s boundaries and pushing alcohol and looking to be the one to take the drunk “home.”  Or that in your community you don’t have someone who everyone kind of knows but doesn’t want to know is not to be trusted.  Or that you never see the bystanders sitting on their hands and making rape an issue between the survivor and the rapist.

And if that’s true, it must be nice where you live.

*I’m not a fountain of good references for transformative or restorative justice, either, but the restorative justice Wikipedia entry looks like a good place to start, and Tranformative Justice Law Project, and RestorativeJustice.org might also be useful reading.

Emily Yoffe: A Further Catalog Of Ways She Is Wrong

October 16, 2013
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I wrote earlier today about Emily Yoffe’s longish post about how there’s nothing we can do about rape except tell girls not to drink with boys.  She may not say that’s what she says, but that is, in effect, what she says.

I’m not the only person who thinks what she wrote is deeply wrongheaded and offensive.  In fact, virtually everyone whose opinion is worth a damn to me is hoping mad about this piece.  And part of it is because this is a routine for her.  Quoting Alexandra at Feministing from the last time she pulled this stuff:

  • Last January, you told another reader whose friend was considering pressing chargesagainst a man she believes raped her while she was drunk that “trying to ruin someone else’s life is a poor way to address one’s alcohol and self-control problems.”

  • Six months later, in the one column last year in which you accepted that intercourse with a drunk woman might be rape, you managed to spend a good  chunk of your response talking about how women set themselves up for assault by drinking; in a follow-up, you defended your victim-blaming as pragmatism. (It’s unclear to me why this account avoids your usual critiques; it could be written by the voiceless friend from the most recent letter.)

  • Later in 2012, you answered a letter from a woman who had been raped by her husband years ago, and had spent much time rebuilding trust in him through an active focus onconsent and communication. She was shaken after waking up after a recent night of wine unable to remember consenting to sex, but you laugh her off as “prim, punctilious, punitive” because her story doesn’t sound like a Law & Order plot.

I have some thoughts on all the reasons Yoffe is wrong.

Yoffe is wrong, as her Slate colleague Amanda Hess, tells us, because you don’t solve a structural problem with a personal self-help solution.  We didn’t deal with drunk driving in this country by telling people, “hey, you can’t control drunk drivers, so minimize driving when the bars are closing!”  We dealt with it by a combination of a massive public awareness campaign, and imposing real accountability-  not just jail sentences, but more prosaically, license suspensions.  Drunk driving costs the drunk drivers something now, and it didn’t three decades ago.  We didn’t end drunk driving deaths, but we knocked them down a lot.

Yoffe is wrong because rapists are not weather systems.   I mentioned this earlier today, and I’ve written about it before.  The implicit model of rapists in her piece is one of an unthinking phenomena, one that does not respond to stimulus, that therefore we can’t do anything about but get out of the way.  There’s a pernicious undercurrent to this thinking in many areas, from forest fires to global climate change – but for a moment, let’s just accept that there are some things we can’t prevent or deter.  All we can do it look out for them, avoid encountering them, and minimize the damage when they occur.  Yoffe, and many others, treat rape like this.  That’s wrong.  Often, they start from the proposition that rapists are bad people who don’t misunderstand, but rather rape because they want to.  That’s true.  But they take the wrong lesson from the research that shows us that.  They infer that the rapists are irrational and can’t be influenced, when the Predator Theory research indicates just the opposite: that they do, in fact, respond to stimulus, by choosing the tactics that are least likely to get them caught.  I’ve seen it in small, tightly-knit communities, too.  When they have enough victims report and can no longer convince people of narratives about crazy victims, misunderstandings or one-time poor judgment, they move on to new communities where they can get a fresh shot at bullshitting their way through their victims’ reports.  Since we know that they use the tactics that work and respond rationally to stimulus, we know that they are not like weather systems and we should discard that model.

Yoffe is wrong because if men, women and alcohol are a bad combination, it is sexist and unjust for women to be the ones excluded.  Jaclyn Friedman was eloquent on this subject five years ago, and Ann Friedman brilliantly flipped Yoffe’s construction on its head this morning, and Soraya Chemaly picks up the same theme.  Yoffe manages to re-make a Victorian, angel-of-the-hearth  argument about how women’s moral purity will protect them and into the bargain civilize the savage male: but then she has the gall to call it a feminist argument!

Yoffe is wrong, continuing the same thought, because she ignores the moral agency of men.  There are a group of people who can consistently be counted on to argue that men’s sexuality is animalistic, feral, uncontrolled, dangerous; that men just can’t help themselves.  These people are the rape apologists.  If men can’t help themselves but to rape, why is it even wrong?  This argument usually isn’t stated explicitly, because when stated explicitly it’s too over-the-top.  But it is at the core of every comment that rape has to do with how the victim was dressed or whether she gave off the “wrong” signals.  There is a group of people who can be counted on consistently to argue that men are people with both the ability and responsibility to be moral actors and control their impulses, sexual or otherwise.  These people are antirape feminists.

Yoffe is wrong because what she proposes will not fix anything.  It is, in fact, a vicious cycle.  The rapists’ Social License to Operate allows them to get away with it if their offenses fit within certain paradigms where society will largely side with them, but not if they don’t.  Rapists who jump out of dark alleys and rape strangers with weapons, if they are caught and their identity can be proven, are often actually convicted.  There are a lot fewer excuses for them.  Rapists who rape their acquaintances using alcohol and no overt force usually are not even reported, and if reported are rarely prosecuted.  They are very likely to get away with it.  The whole society will agree in the abstract that rape is wrong, but there are many kinds of rape that the culture will refuse to call what it is.  Because rapists are rational bad actors, it is those kinds of circumstances where many of the rapes happen.

Here’s the part where Yoffe creates a self-fulfilling prophecy:  woman drinking heavily with men is one of those areas where, if a rape happens, prosecution is very difficult.  It’s difficult because the survivor’s memory is impaired, and that we can’t do anything about.  But it is also impaired because the thing that never doesn’t get said by internet trolls, “she deserves it” or “what did she expect?” is in the back of a lot of people’s minds.  Yoffe is repeating that.  I expect she would deny she said they deserve it, and literally, she didn’t.  But “what do they expect?  In this situation it’s bound to happen” is an entirely fair characterization of what she did say.

[Content note for description of rape aftermath]

Let’s say you are Yoffe’s daughter – hey, she brought it up – and you get drunk with the cute guys down the dorm hall, black out, and wake up leaking semen and vomit on the sheets.  What are you going to do?  She can’t tell her mom.  Would you?  And get an earful of I Told You So?  Worse, she already got an earful of I Told You So.  I can’t think of a rape survivor who I’ve ever talked about it with who didn’t self-blame.  The whole culture speaks with that voice.  So Yoffe’s daughter can only have internalized a double dose of it.  She wouldn’t report to anybody, and I’d be surprised if she ever manage to stop blaming herself.  And … the rapist wins.  Nobody knows what he did!  No consequences, no attention from authorities, not even the social sanction of the ladies from the dorm floor avoiding him.  And there will be a next victim.  The more Yoffe’s idea prevails, the more free he is to do what’s already working for him.  The stupider we all agree that her conduct was, the less chance she will ever get, or even seek, redress.   Yoffe is making the tactic work.

Yoffe is wrong because if she thinks it’s too hard to change the rapists’ behavior, she has no basis to think that we can change drinking behavior.  Her argument about rapists is hazy and poorly constructed, it amounts to an educational administrator saying that catching rapists isn’t their core mission.  Well, neither is not discriminating based on race or sex, but we expect them to do that, and they can be sued if they fail, so they put systems in place to comply.  We all have to do things that are not our core mission.  That’s life.  Yoffe seems to get that the rapists are a small subset of the population – but then throws up her hands.  We can’t change them, weather theory, done.  But her call to arms to control how the unladylike ladies drink to excess, that, that she treats as if, now that Emily Yoffe has spoken, we’ll get right on that.  At a minimum, if someone who has more patience for her crap than I do (I admit to really disliking her for a long time now) will sit her down and pin her down on this, she’d probably concede that changing young adult drinking behavior is a decades-long mission.  Well, if that’s a decades-long mission, and removing rapists’ Social License to Operate is also a decades-long mission, why is the first the better project?  Implicitly, Yoffe writes the second off as impossible and elides the difficulty of the first, when at least parity-of-big-job seems the more reasonable analysis.

Yoffe is so full of fail, and on this issue consistently so, that there are other ways she is wrong that I have not thought of, or at least permutations I have not explored to the ones I’ve listed.  But this is what I have for now.

Emily Yoffe’s Rape Apologism: Some Very Quick Thoughts

October 16, 2013
by

I have not been writing much due to other demands on my time.  However, sometimes things happen and I feel it’s just too important to sit out.  I don’t really have time to write, so I’ll do what I can now and then try to add more later.

I’m not linking to Yoffe’s piece.  You can find it.  It’s infuriating.  It’s long, thoughtful, and morally bankrupt.  Because this is a habit of mind with Yoffe, I’m really personally angry at her and I think she needs to lose her job, but I’ll take that up in another piece.  I don’t think Yoffe is just wrong about a thing that people reason together about.  I think Yoffe is doing harm,  that she’s throwing up her hands and declaring that the rapists won, and there’s nothing we can do about it except to try to avoid them.  Basically, it’s the “weather system” theory of rape.  That’s wrong.  Saying that will not protect anyone, will not help fix the problem, and actually makes it easier for people to stop attempts to hold rapists accountable. 

What she said, basically, is that if women don’t want to get raped, they shouldn’t drink with boys.  She tosses in the occasional aside that she blames the perpetrators.  I’ve addressed that sort of thing here already and I’ll quote only briefly:

The argument will proceed from the dreaded BUT to focus on what SHE did, and how wrong and stupid it was, and ultimately conclude that if women just curtailed their behavior in one or several additional ways, the problem would be solved.

The sort of disclaimer Yoffe deploys — the sort that says of course the perpetrators are solely responsible but … that sort of disclaimer is utterly without value, or as Tyrion Lannister of the G.R.R. Martin canon said, “nothing someone says before the word ‘but’ really counts.”

Here’s the real objection I have to Yoffe:  she belongs to the surrender caucus.  Not only implicit, but really explicit in her analysis is that we can’t or won’t do anything to hold the perpetrators accountable.  She cites Lisak, so she obviously knows and doesn’t contest that the rapists are doing it on purpose, that they use alcohol a tactic.  But she instead of looking for ways to treat the disease — the repeat rapists, and the social constructs that allow them to get away with it, rape culture and more particularly, the Social License to Operate — she argues at length for treating the symptom.    She gives up on catching and punishing them, in favor of telling women that they can’t do something men take for granted the right to do. 

That’s pragmatic, she argues.  But it’s not pragmatic.  It’s negotiating with terrorists.  That’s a loaded word.  But when a small portion of the male population keeps virtually all women in fear and causes them to curtail their freedoms to avoid violence, doesn’t it fit?  The argument Yoffe makes would follow if she bought the story that most rape is  miscommunication, a story that she seems to understand is discredited.  But it doesn’t fit with the story she seems to acknowledge, which is that the problem is the repeat rapists who know that what they do is wrong and do it anyway using the tactics least likely to get them caught.

If the presence of women, men and alcohol together is a catalyst for mostly men to commit criminal acts of rape, then why are the women the element to remove from the equation?  Ann Friedman picked that up right away.

Look, people whose response to terrorists is, “let’s give them what they want and maybe they’ll leave us alone” are both cowardly and immoral.  We heard a lot of patriotic chest-beating in the Bush years about how some people hate freedom.  But there’s a kernel of truth there, the old saw that is a very rough paraphrase from Ben Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanac, those who give up liberty for a little temporary security deserve neither.  The people who are full of “pragmatic” advice about how not to “get raped,” well, their advice always comes down to the same thing: curtail your liberty for security.  That’s un-American.  Those people really do hate us for our freedom. 

I won’t believe any of those people are serious about stopping rape until they actually do something to hold a rapist accountable. 

There’s a challenge, Emily.  Go find a rapist and make something happen: prosecution, expulsion, public shaming, removal from the party invite list — I am not being facetious.  Something, anything.  Go blame a rapist and try to make it stick.  Go.  Now. 

 

 

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